‘ “Phew! I’m so exhausted. Typing articles all these years has enhanced the muscle structures in my fingers, increasing my metabolism. Good thing I’ve got healthy, nutritious, AND delicious Peanut Cheese Bars!” Moo thought to himself as he pulled out a candy bar with a picture of a Mr. Saturn on the wrapper.
“I can’t believe no one wanted these things. They were only $22 a piece…” He said out loud as he chipped a tooth on the candy bar. As he walked out of the room, Moo looked up at the TV.
–This just in. EarthBound 2, also known as EarthBound 64, also known as EarthBound 128, also known as Mother 3… has been delayed until late 2010–
“AAaAaAAAA!” he began screaming, flailing his arms wildly and running into various large objects in the room… ’
Gather round, fellow whippersnappers, and you fogies chuckle at the inside jokes, you know best how to poke fun at yourselves. Today we recall that curious creation which is “possibly the most awesome/stupid fanfic of all time” (Literary Moments in Starmen.net History), over the course of which, in 45 rollercoastering, midi-enhanced scenes:
Tomato screams louder than anyone has ever screamed before
Ultimoo rides a Mr. Saturn Super Ultra Mambo-Tango-Foxtrot motor buggy (with patent leather seats)
reidman revels in his god-given ability to kick and rips on 10BaseT network cable, and
EBounding channels the frustration of EarthBound fans everywhere to become EBashing, and waits for his turn at attacking.
Presumably rocking from foot to foot, waiting for their little meter to fill, he and his compadres are lined up rpg-style deep in the B-levels of the nefarious Nintendo corporate headquarters. They’ll be there anytime you care to join them. You’ll enjoy the hi-jinks of the road-trip that’s brought them there, having been flushed from their own cozy hq in the country by clones, goons and threats; and you can’t help following through their adventures to the end(?), to see if peace is to be restored and justice served.
It’s a silly good time, whether YOU……ARE……..BRAD, (that is, a devotee of the community) or you’ve never been a part of the happenin’ site that goes these days by the handle starmen.net. The jokes fall on a sliding scale from slapstick and bad puns everyone can feel, to corny pop-culture references of varying vintages, to Earthbound-specific allusions, and from there all the way along to the rarefied humor of blueberry muffins and miniMatos. Before my time, but definitely a nostalgia trip for many forum-goers. And for everyone, an interesting glimpse into a simpler time.
Kids making forts (or imaginary ones), souping up vans, tinkering with the engine, strapping suitcases to the top; playing with figurines and imitating voices and videogames, pretending to fight using baseball bats, light-up swords and strawberry perfumy stuff; writing articles, updating webpages, pining for the release of an obscure beloved game yet at no loss for ways to amuse themselves in its absence.
There’s still no word on a stateside sequel, not even one slated for 2010. But they say Mother 3 exists, and the heroes of the siege of yore are keen as ever to get it in their grubby hands. Only now the site is snazzier, sitting on a nest egg of thousands, and the folks in charge are grown up. Well, they have jobs and responsibilities and so on, but their growing up isn’t to say they’ve outgrown the game. They bring to bear, when time allows, the resources and skills that serve them in real life—computer savvy, leadership, translation chops, artistic talent, dollars, wisdom, courage, friendship. It’s like they’ve gone out and made their fortunes in the world, and come back to see their old hometown, old friends, and mom and dad.
Only they’ve never had to leave—they take the place with them, or get to it from anywhere. Not teleporting, just the internet. The site is what they’ve made it, it’s grown up along with them. Some of them have left—of the people mentioned in the story, some seem to have gone their separate ways—but then there’s plenty of people who have come along in their place, and the thing keeps moving on up.
Even now, it seems, they’re working on another project. Let’s get together in another ten years or so, or check in again later today, whichever you prefer. They may be goofy, but do not underestimate them.
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